IC News 1-01-05

LOCAL NEWS

MYSTERY SECT VANISHES -- ARLINGTON, VA -- The Church of Abaddon Ascendant, centered in a heated debate over whether or not they were somehow responsible for Black November, has vanished as mysteriously as they first appeared. The local Arlington County building where the Church was apparently located, according to phone records and tax papers, was found abandoned and in a disheveled state by local police recently.

The building appears to have been uninhabited for weeks now. Neighboring properties do not have a good vantage point to observe the building, and no one admits to knowing anything about their exit.

LOCAL WOMEN'S SHELTER REOPENS IN SOUTHEAST -- After weeks of cleaning up, not only from post-blackout damage but work that had begun even prior to the disaster, the House of Ruth Women's Shelter in Southeast DC is finally reopening its doors to serve homeless and abused women in the Nation's Capital. House of Ruth Volunteer and political advocate Matilda Jenkins was quoted as saying, "The blackout caused absolute damage to the citizens of this city, but didn't manage to take any of the wife beating [EXPLETIVE DELETED] with it. If you need help, we're open, and we'll do our damnedest to make sure you're safe."

Shelter personnel are ready to receive those in need of help starting tonight, and are restocked for beds, medical supplies, clothing and food thanks to the outpouring of generosity from local citizens as well as corporate donations from all over the world.

ANOTHER NATURE SPOT CROPS UP IN DC -- SOUTHWEST -- DC Parks and Recreation Staff reported that an unexplained 20-foot area in the Decatur Square Park Traffic Circle near Northern Georgetown has bloomed with lush plant life, even in the midwinter chill of Washington weather. Park Rangers have analyzed the soil and found no signs of chemicals or other artificial tampering, and concluded that whatever caused the grasses and flowers to excel as they have, is completely natural in its origins, if not an anomaly. Local residents who dog-walk and lunch in the park claim that they saw a strange figure, almost majestic in nature, lurking in the park just a few days before the spot was discovered.

POLICE NEWS

Some reports have said that there was a fight, an altercation between local political aspirant Aesik Baird and another man, supposedly over a woman, according to some reports. There were fantastic allegations of Baird somehow being responsible for the destruction of the Black Iron and other facilities on the block, supposedly with some manner of bomb.

Other witnesses say that there must have been some kind of damage to the water and sewer lines in the area because of malfunctions caused indirectly by the blackout during such a cold season. While a water main break could cause the rampant flooding and even possibly mudslides from a nearby construction site, witness reports are heated and varied. Investigators are baffled as to why.

Incidentally, Police and local media have been besieged with numerous anonymous calls and emails, filled with far-fetched assertions as to supernatural causes of the disaster. They have been referred to the appropriate departments for handling.

RASH OF ANEMIA & HOSPITAL PLACEMENTS AMONGST DC'S HOMELESS - SOUTHEAST -- Yet another in a series of annual or semi-annual outbreaks of anemia and delirium amongst the city's homeless is occurring, just weeks after the Blackout of the century. Several area homeless have reported extreme fatigue suddenly in the last few weeks, though none are thought to have died from the mysterious condition, unlike some more severe prior outbreaks. In fact, 4 victims were anonymously brought to area hospitals, along with a bit of cash they did not have previously, ostensibly intended to pay for treatment by some unseen benefactor.

On a related note, Gerald McNamara, a retired nursing home worker fallen on hard times and living on the streets, reported to shelter physicians that his documented case of advanced Tuberculosis had mysteriously not just gone into remission but healed entirely. Mr. McNamara has been telling people that a guardian angel with an injured wrist, took pity on him and healed him. Mr. McNamara did not address why this supposed healing angel did not heal his own hand.

TEMPERAMENT OF DC RESIDENTS ON EDGE; GOVERNMENT BLAMES POST-BLACK NOVEMBER TRAUMA AND STRESS -- Numerous reports have been coming in to DCPD of a notably sharp rise of incidents of heated public quarrelling, and also numerous cases of indecent exposure as an unusually larger than normal amount of  couples have been caught in flagrante delicto in local public parks.

Crisis Psychologist Herman Armstrong attributes the strange behavior to aftereffects from the great shock and trauma so many have suffered during Black November's blackout.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

GOSSIP COLUMN

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...  Does anyone remember the 80's cult film "Buckaroo Banzai", in which the Hero is a Rock Star, a Brain Surgeon, a Comic Book Style Fighter for Justice and Stud, all rolled into one? Apparently so does Democratic hopeful Aesik Baird, judging from the drama enfolding downtown during the pre-New Year's revelry. Guess the grand drama of the mudslide that destroyed the Black Iron was now passé for our golden donkey boy.

A large truck, flagrantly ignoring the strict Homeland Security guidelines concerning large commercial vehicles near Federal buildings since the Oklahoma City bombings, snaked its way through the streets of midtown Washington, up through Dupont Circle and down into Farragut West and Foggy Bottom. Atop the flatbed rig, stood freezing Baird and members of his hobby band, Amalgamut, playing and singing as the truck careened through traffic, music blaring at businesses and pedestrians alike. And their promo lackeys trotting along behind on foot, passing out CD's and swag to the masses. Sure, the music was pretty good... if you like that sort of thing.

Piece of advice though, pet; if you ever plan to run for office again, lay off trying to sound cool with your hippie Army fatigues and your "It's f*ckin' cold up here" talk. Little boys who drop the F-Bomb don't get to live in the nice White House, and the last resident to do that publicly would have been impeached if he hadn't just resigned in shame.

Some people try to do everything and end up with nothing, it seems... no political office, no girlfriend, no class, and now it seems no recording contract either. There's a chasm between Renaissance Man, and Jack of All Trades/Master of None. We think Baird needs a hot steaming cup of Make Up Your Mind...

Sources say his scorned ex, NASCAR Rookie Francesca Torquemada, would not comment on the concert, but did seem to appear appalled herself before pushing past reporters at a local corner bar. We'd have asked one of his other latest Ex's but they seem to be missing... or have the good taste to lay low, a concept Baird lacks.

Reps from the DNC had no comment either.

 

Atlanta Man Burns to Ash Under Dawn Sun

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Witnesses reported that an unknown man was dumped unceremoniously in a Midtown park a few minutes before sunrise this morning. The man was bound and gagged. When onlookers came closer to help the man, he screamed incoherently. As the sun rose, the man burst into flame. The flames consumed him quickly, reportedly leaving only a pile of ash no more than a minute afterward.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

Tuning in to a deep sea monster - LONDON, England -- Scientists have revealed a mysterious recording that they say could be the sound of a giant beast lurking in the depths of the ocean.
Researchers have nicknamed the strange unidentified sound picked up by undersea microphones "Bloop."
While it bears the varying frequency hallmark of marine animals, it is far more powerful than the calls made by any creature known on Earth, Britain's New Scientist reported on Thursday. It is too big for a whale and one theory is that it is a deep sea monster, possibly a many-tentacled giant squid.
In 1997, Bloop was detected by U.S. Navy "spy" sensors 3,000 miles apart that had been put there to detect the movement of Soviet submarines, the magazine reports.
However, Phil Lobel, a marine biologist at Boston University, Massachusetts, doubts that giant squid are the source of Bloop. "Cephalopods have no gas-filled sac, so they have no way to make that type of noise," he said. "Though you can never rule anything out completely, I doubt it." Although these cousins of the octopus have been found dead in fishermen's nets, nobody has ever seen one alive in its natural setting, 500 fathoms down. 
The system picking up Bloop and other strange noises from the deep is a military relic of the Cold War. In the 1960s the U.S. Navy set up an array of underwater microphones, or hydrophones, around the globe to track Soviet submarines. The network was known as SOSUS, short for Sound Surveillance System.
Scientist Christopher Fox of the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Acoustic Monitoring Project at Portland, Oregon, has given the signals names such as Train, Whistle, Slowdown, Upsweep and even Gregorian Chant. He told New Scientist that most can be explained by ocean currents, volcanic activity -- Upsweep was tracked to an undersea South Pacific mountain that had not been identified as "live." "The sound waves are almost like voice prints. You're able to look at the characteristics of the sound and say: 'There's a blue whale, there's a fin whale, there's a boat, there's a humpback whale and here comes an earthquake," he says.
But some sounds remain a mystery he says. Like Bloop -- monster of the deep?
 

11-fingered, 12-toed man has extra digits surgically removed -- TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — For Tirso Furcal, having a sixth finger projecting from one hand and an extra toe on each foot made life in his impoverished country, the Dominican Republic, even more difficult.
Tirso Furcal's extra finger and extra toe on each foot caused him frequent injuries and blocked hopes of better-paying work.
Now, thanks to the generosity of a hospital and surgeons in Jersey City, the extra digits have been removed and Furcal, 41, is healing quickly. Next week, he will return to his wife and three children in his village, Brisas de los Palemeras, a region where several other residents, mainly children, also have extra fingers and toes.
Doctors and Scientists say that the Polydactyly gene that causes this is dominant but that does not mean it is considered normal. The extra digits vary from small pieces of soft tissue to complete fingers or toes and occur in about 1 in every 500 babies, more in certain populations such as the Amish, where few outsiders join the group and marriage occurs within the community. In Western society, the extra digits are usually surgically removed early in life.
Antonio Alfonseca, pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and originally from the Dominican Republic, has 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot. His nickname is "Pulpo" (octopus).

Ex-communist countries pledge to improve plight of gypsies
SOFIA, BULGARIA (AFP) - Eight former communist countries in central and eastern Europe pledged to improve the plight of gypsies, or Roma, the continent's youngest, biggest and poorest minority, within 10 years.
In a declaration signed by five heads of government and three deputy prime ministers, Bulgaria, Hungary, Macedonia, Romania, Serbia-Montenegro, Slovakia, Slovenia and the Czech Republic promised to work to "abolish discrimination and heal the rift that separates the Roma from the rest of the population."
After the politicians signed it, the statement was handed to a seven-year-old gypsy girl named Bojidara, who plans to keep a diary of the main events in her life until 2015 to gauge whether they keep their promises.
The Roma make up roughly two percent of the 450 million people who live in the 25-nation bloc. About five million Roma live in the 10 mainly central and eastern European states which joined the union last year. In Romania, which has the largest Roma population in Europe, seven in 10 Roma do not have access to running water, while eight in 10 cannot afford essential prescription drugs. In all 10 countries surveyed, except the Czech Republic, less than two in 10 Roma have finished primary school, the survey found.

[Editor's Note: As stated in a previous interview done by the Post in 2004, the term "gypsies," a derivative misnomer of Egyptian, is considered vulgar and its use here is only because it was in the source article from AFP.

The Post apologizes to the Roma Society of Washington for any distress its inclusion causes.]