MYSTERY SECT VANISHES -- ARLINGTON, VA --
Church of Abaddon
Ascendant, centered in a heated debate over whether or not they were
somehow responsible for Black November, has vanished as mysteriously as
they first appeared. The local Arlington County building where the
Church was apparently located, according to phone records and tax
papers, was found abandoned and in a disheveled state by local police
The building appears to have been uninhabited for weeks now.
Neighboring properties do not have a good vantage point to observe the
building, and no one admits to knowing anything about their exit.
LOCAL WOMEN'S SHELTER REOPENS IN SOUTHEAST --
After weeks of cleaning up, not only
post-blackout damage but work that had begun even prior to the disaster, the
House of Ruth Women's Shelter in Southeast DC is finally reopening its
doors to serve homeless and abused women in the Nation's Capital. House
of Ruth Volunteer and political advocate Matilda Jenkins was quoted as
saying, "The blackout caused absolute damage to the citizens of this
city, but didn't manage to take any of the wife beating [EXPLETIVE
DELETED] with it. If you need help, we're open, and we'll do our
damnedest to make sure you're safe."
Shelter personnel are ready to receive those
in need of help starting tonight, and are restocked for beds, medical
supplies, clothing and food thanks to the outpouring of generosity from
local citizens as well as corporate donations from all over the world.
ANOTHER NATURE SPOT CROPS UP IN DC --
SOUTHWEST -- DC Parks and
Recreation Staff reported that an unexplained 20-foot area in the
Decatur Square Park Traffic Circle near Northern Georgetown has bloomed
with lush plant life, even in the midwinter chill of Washington weather.
Park Rangers have analyzed the soil and found no signs of chemicals or
other artificial tampering, and concluded that whatever caused the
grasses and flowers to excel as they have, is completely natural in its
origins, if not an anomaly. Local residents who dog-walk and lunch in
the park claim that they saw a strange figure, almost majestic in
nature, lurking in the park just a few days before the spot was
Another Disaster Plagues DC - Flooding and
Mudslides from Damaged Utilities Wreak Havoc in
Southwest - Local Bistro and Several Blocks Around
It Destroyed -- SOUTHWEST --
By Gordon Martinelli,
Washington Post Staff Writer: Conflicting
reports are pouring in from a wide variety of
sources and witnesses regarding a disastrous
incident involving the near complete destruction of
at least a city block, and heavy damage for several
blocks surrounding the once beloved café, Bryan's
Black Iron restaurant. Police and Fire & Rescue
personnel, as well as DCWASA (DC Water & Sewer
Authority), are trying to determine what exactly
happened in the Southwest commercial district this
Some reports have said that there was a
fight, an altercation between local political aspirant Aesik Baird and
another man, supposedly over a woman, according to some reports. There
were fantastic allegations of Baird somehow being responsible for the
destruction of the Black Iron and other facilities on the block,
supposedly with some manner of bomb.
Other witnesses say that there must have
been some kind of damage to the water and sewer lines in the area
because of malfunctions caused indirectly by the blackout during such a
cold season. While a water main break could cause the rampant flooding
and even possibly mudslides from a nearby construction site, witness
reports are heated and varied. Investigators are baffled as to why.
Incidentally, Police and local media have
been besieged with numerous anonymous calls and emails, filled with
far-fetched assertions as to supernatural causes of the disaster. They
have been referred to the appropriate departments for handling.
ANEMIA & HOSPITAL PLACEMENTS AMONGST DC'S HOMELESS - SOUTHEAST --
Yet another in a series of annual or
semi-annual outbreaks of anemia and delirium amongst the
homeless is occurring, just weeks after the Blackout of the century.
Several area homeless have reported extreme fatigue suddenly in the last
few weeks, though none are thought to have died from the mysterious
condition, unlike some more severe prior outbreaks. In fact, 4 victims
were anonymously brought to area hospitals, along with a bit of cash
they did not have previously, ostensibly intended to pay for treatment
by some unseen benefactor.
On a related note, Gerald McNamara, a
retired nursing home worker fallen on hard times and living on the
streets, reported to shelter physicians that his documented case of
advanced Tuberculosis had mysteriously not just gone into remission but
healed entirely. Mr. McNamara has been telling people that a guardian angel
with an injured wrist, took
pity on him and healed him. Mr. McNamara did not address why this
supposed healing angel did not heal his own hand.
TEMPERAMENT OF DC RESIDENTS ON EDGE; GOVERNMENT BLAMES
POST-BLACK NOVEMBER TRAUMA AND
Numerous reports have been coming in to
of a notably sharp rise of incidents of heated public quarrelling, and
also numerous cases of indecent exposure as an unusually larger than
normal amount of couples have been caught in flagrante delicto in
local public parks.
Crisis Psychologist Herman Armstrong
attributes the strange behavior to aftereffects from the great shock and
trauma so many have suffered during Black November's blackout.
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...
Does anyone remember the 80's cult film "Buckaroo Banzai", in which the
Hero is a Rock Star, a Brain Surgeon, a Comic Book Style Fighter for
Justice and Stud, all rolled into one? Apparently so does Democratic hopeful Aesik Baird, judging from the drama enfolding downtown during the
pre-New Year's revelry. Guess the grand drama of the mudslide that
destroyed the Black Iron was now passé for our golden donkey boy.
A large truck, flagrantly ignoring the strict
Homeland Security guidelines concerning large commercial vehicles near
Federal buildings since the Oklahoma City bombings, snaked its way
through the streets of midtown Washington, up through Dupont Circle and
down into Farragut West and Foggy Bottom. Atop the flatbed rig, stood
freezing Baird and members of his hobby band, Amalgamut, playing and
singing as the truck careened through traffic, music blaring at
businesses and pedestrians alike.
their promo lackeys trotting along behind on foot, passing out CD's and
swag to the masses. Sure, the music was pretty good... if you like that
sort of thing.
Piece of advice though, pet; if you ever plan to run for office again,
lay off trying to sound cool with your hippie Army fatigues and your
"It's f*ckin' cold up here" talk. Little boys who drop the F-Bomb don't
get to live in the nice White House, and the last resident to do that
publicly would have been impeached if he hadn't just resigned in shame.
Some people try to do everything and end up with nothing, it seems... no
political office, no girlfriend, no class, and now it seems no recording
contract either. There's a chasm between Renaissance Man, and Jack of
All Trades/Master of None. We think Baird needs a hot steaming cup of
Make Up Your Mind...
Sources say his scorned ex, NASCAR Rookie Francesca Torquemada, would
not comment on the concert, but did seem to appear appalled herself
before pushing past reporters at a local corner bar. We'd have asked one
of his other latest Ex's but they seem to be missing... or have the good
taste to lay low, a concept Baird lacks.
Reps from the DNC had no comment either.
TERRORIST GROUP CONTINUES TO ELUDE FBI APPREHENSION -
PHILADELPHIA, PA --
A new Anarchist group referring to
themselves as The Akashic Brotherhood,
been involved in increasing numbers of clashes with FBI Agents in
numerous sites throughout the country and occasionally overseas with
International law enforcement personnel. The Brotherhood has been
accused on numerous occasions of using psychotropic chemicals and
biological weapons to further acts of terrorism within the US
Borders, but specific instances attributed to the group are
unavailable at this time. The United Nations Security Council has
been consulted on the issue, but no rulings made as of yet.
Fire Sweeps Through Barnard College
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — As urban chaos
to grip Manhattan, a catastrophic fire swept through the
campus of Barnard College (the Women's College of
Columbia University) last night, destroying several
buildings, including the library and its rare-books
Investigators from the Fire Marshall’s office claim that
the fire has exposed a complex set of underground
facilities linked to the college grounds. As many as two
dozen people might have been living in these hidden
catacombs, which included elaborate sleeping quarters
and other facilities. Ashy debris is all that remain of
the inhabitants of the complex, what some recovered
documents called the “Chantry of Five Boroughs.”
Atlanta Man Burns to Ash Under Dawn Sun
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Witnesses reported that an
man was dumped unceremoniously in a Midtown park a
few minutes before sunrise this morning. The man was
bound and gagged. When onlookers came closer to help
the man, he screamed incoherently. As the sun rose,
the man burst into flame. The flames consumed him
quickly, reportedly leaving only a pile of ash no
more than a minute afterward.
to a deep sea monster - LONDON, England --
Scientists have revealed a mysterious
recording that they say could be the sound of a giant beast lurking in
the depths of the ocean.
Researchers have nicknamed the strange unidentified sound picked up by
undersea microphones "Bloop."
it bears the varying frequency hallmark of marine animals, it is far
more powerful than the calls made by any creature known on Earth,
Britain's New Scientist reported on Thursday. It is too big for a whale
and one theory is that it is a deep sea monster, possibly a many-tentacled
In 1997, Bloop was detected by U.S. Navy "spy" sensors 3,000 miles apart
that had been put there to detect the movement of Soviet submarines, the
However, Phil Lobel, a marine biologist at Boston University,
Massachusetts, doubts that giant squid are the source of Bloop.
"Cephalopods have no gas-filled sac, so they have no way to make that
type of noise," he said. "Though you can never rule anything out
completely, I doubt it." Although these cousins of the octopus have been
found dead in fishermen's nets, nobody has ever seen one alive in its
natural setting, 500 fathoms down.
The system picking up Bloop and other strange noises from the deep is a
military relic of the Cold War. In the 1960s the U.S. Navy set up an
array of underwater microphones, or hydrophones, around the globe to
track Soviet submarines. The network was known as SOSUS, short for Sound
Scientist Christopher Fox of the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric
Administration's Acoustic Monitoring Project at Portland, Oregon, has
given the signals names such as Train, Whistle, Slowdown, Upsweep and
even Gregorian Chant. He told New Scientist that most can be explained
by ocean currents, volcanic activity -- Upsweep was tracked to an
undersea South Pacific mountain that had not been identified as "live."
"The sound waves are almost like voice prints. You're able to look at
the characteristics of the sound and say: 'There's a blue whale, there's
a fin whale, there's a boat, there's a humpback whale and here comes an
earthquake," he says.
But some sounds remain a mystery he says. Like Bloop -- monster of the
11-fingered, 12-toed man has extra digits surgically removed -- TRENTON,
N.J. (AP) — For Tirso Furcal,
having a sixth finger projecting from one hand and an extra toe on each
foot made life in his impoverished country, the Dominican Republic, even
Tirso Furcal's extra finger and extra toe on each foot caused him
frequent injuries and blocked hopes of better-paying work.
Now, thanks to the generosity of a hospital and surgeons in Jersey City,
the extra digits have been removed and Furcal, 41, is healing quickly.
Next week, he will return to his wife and three children in his village,
Brisas de los Palemeras, a region where several other residents, mainly
children, also have extra fingers and toes.
and Scientists say that the Polydactyly gene that causes this is
dominant but that does not mean it is considered normal. The extra
digits vary from small pieces of soft tissue to complete fingers or toes
and occur in about 1 in every 500 babies, more in certain populations
such as the Amish, where few outsiders join the group and marriage
occurs within the community. In Western society, the extra digits are
usually surgically removed early in life.
Antonio Alfonseca, pitcher for the Atlanta Braves and originally from
the Dominican Republic, has 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each
foot. His nickname is "Pulpo" (octopus).
Ex-communist countries pledge to improve plight of gypsies
SOFIA, BULGARIA (AFP)
Eight former communist countries in central and eastern Europe pledged
to improve the plight of gypsies, or Roma, the continent's youngest,
biggest and poorest minority, within 10 years.
In a declaration signed by five heads of government and three deputy
prime ministers, Bulgaria, Hungary, Macedonia, Romania,
Serbia-Montenegro, Slovakia, Slovenia and the Czech Republic promised to
work to "abolish discrimination and heal the rift that separates the
Roma from the rest of the population."
After the politicians signed it, the statement was handed to a
seven-year-old gypsy girl named Bojidara, who plans to keep a diary of
the main events in her life until 2015 to gauge whether they keep their
The Roma make up roughly two percent of the 450 million people who live
in the 25-nation bloc. About five million Roma live in the 10 mainly
central and eastern European states which joined the union last year. In
Romania, which has the largest Roma population in Europe, seven in 10
Roma do not have access to running water, while eight in 10 cannot
afford essential prescription drugs. In all 10 countries surveyed,
except the Czech Republic, less than two in 10 Roma have finished
primary school, the survey found.
[Editor's Note: As stated in a previous
interview done by the Post in 2004, the term "gypsies," a derivative
misnomer of Egyptian, is considered vulgar and its use here is only
because it was in the source article from AFP.
The Post apologizes to the Roma Society of
Washington for any distress its inclusion causes.]